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The Journey That Lead Me to Who I am Today. Long Read.

Since being a teen I've gone through many phases of physical and mental self-care. The problem is, my self care catered to either one or the other but rarely both. If I was in a mental health self-care cycle I would eat whatever I wanted (Because carbs feed my soul!), journal, see my therapist, and make time for activities that I found fun or relaxing (dancing, reading, quality time with friends). Sounds great right?


Well, truth is, it was great for awhile but then I would begin to notice the downside to my mental health only self-care. My body was paying the price. I wasn't exercising with intent (at most points of my life I've been dancing one way or another, so that got me a bit of exercise at least), I was eating greasy, fatty, carb loaded, DELICIOUS food, and my stomach was constantly bloated and upset. I was gassy and uncomfortable. My energy levels SUCKED! My mind was cloudy and it was difficult to concentrate for long periods of time, which is a problem when you're a student. Worst of all would be getting on the scale and seeing the numbers rise.


More than once my reaction to these negative changes was to transition my mental self-care to physical self-care.I justified the restrictive diets and sudden increase in exercise as self-care that was just as positive for my mental health as my physical health. After all exercise is suppose to increase the feel good hormones, right? The problem was, that I would then become depressed because I wasn't eating foods that were satiating or satisfying me, and I wasn't losing weight as quickly as I thought I should be. Truly, I had no idea how to properly feed MY BODY because I was eating food that worked for other people. I would become frustrated and say SCREW IT! I'M EATING WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY! (mentally happy) Which would be carbs. So now we've completed the cycle.


I've was always a chunky kid (I blame genetics and the diet of chicken nuggets I was raise on. YUM!) And as a teen and adult my weight fluctuated, but steadily increased as the years went by. The summer of 2019 I went to Watershed and one of my friends took a picture of me being a goof. I didn't see the picture until after she posted it to my Facebook after Watershed and I was HORRIFIED! I immediately removed the post and felt shame so deeply I wanted to hide in my bed and cry....and eat. (I tried to find the picture, but apparently I deleted it forever.)


This picture sparked a fire in me because I was disgusted by what I had become. I decided to give the keto diet a try. I researched how it worked and found recipes online. I even tracked all my food for the first 2 months or so. And I saw dramatic results quickly!


I started keto on August 10th, 2019 and weighed approximately 175 lbs. I didn't own a scale at the time, which was fine with me because I wanted to see and feel my results.


I continued to see great results and I was actually sticking to the diet without much temptation or cravings! One of the reasons I wasn't tempted was because if I did have a cheat I felt like trash afterwards. My stomach would bloat, my digestive track would become constipated, and I would get headaches. Not fun.




I finally bought a scale because I was curious about my weight loss. November 11th, 2019 I weighed 164.4 lbs! Around 10 pounds of weight loss and definitely a noticeable difference in the way I looked. I set my goal at that time to be 150 lbs (I haven't been that low since high school) and I almost made it. December 12, 2019 I weighed in at 155.8 lbs. Still an incredible accomplishment and I felt AMAZING! 20 lbs in 3 months!


It is also worth noting that I rarely exercised during this time. This was almost purely diet and dancing 2-3 nights a week (which is totally a work out, but super fun!). I let myself loose for the holidays, but I was sure I would get back on the wagon right after! And I really did try. I also blame my wonderful boyfriend who I started dating in early December. He loves to treat me like a Queen and take me out to eat. I have a difficult time restricting myself when eating out. It's a treat right? The problem became that we were eating out often, 2-3 times a week, and I could feel the changes happening. Bloated. Gassy. Tired. I was still cooking keto at home so that help, but then life through my a curve ball.


My boyfriend and I were having issues and one day I was particularly emotional, but I kept myself together for my work day. So in the evening I decided (a very unhealthy decision) to get wasted drunk at my favorite bar that was just down the street from my apartment. And when I say wasted, I mean blacked out WASTED. I purposefully didn't each dinner so I would get drunker faster. I didn't want to feel anymore. And it worked. I barely remember most of the night and didn't cry over my boyfriend at all. However, I do remember being sexual molested by someone who I thought was a friend later that night on my couch. My supposed friend took me home after I finally got sick and took advantage of my vulnerable state. I was awake enough to feel it happening, to feeling the panic, but not enough to even open my eyes or do anything.


The events following were just as emotionally traumatic. Telling my friends, telling my boyfriend, the police, the hospital, telling my family, and immediately moving out of my apartment. The one saving grace was that this travesty brought my boyfriend and I closer together and I'm happy to say, 5 months later, we are living together and very much in love.


These events left me emotionally raw and panicked. I fell back to the one thing that always comforted me. Food. I ate all the garbage food and used it as my coping skill while I tried to process what happened. I ate popcorn, chicken nuggets, burgers, ice cream, chips and candy. I used food to insulate myself from the world because it hurt me in a way that I never imagined it would.


With the help of my therapist and my boyfriend for support I began to recover. I moved out of my apartment and my boyfriend and I found a place together. I felt like I was given the chance to start over. At this point I looked at myself and my health and knew I needed to make a change. I attempted to go back to keto but ran into a few problems. My boyfriend neither wanted or needed to be on keto. He very much enjoyed his high carb food and is in relatively good shape from high school sports and a manual labor job. He also requires more carbs to keep up his energy at work. Low carb just leaves him hungry again in an hour. So that left me cooking carbs for him and watching him order all the carby-delicious food when we went out. It was difficult to stay on track.


Since then I've landed back on the SCREW IT! I'M EATING WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY! mentality. And again, I'm gaining weight, I'm bloat, my skin in breaking out like a teenager's, and I'm not proud of my appearance. I hate looking like a stuffed sausage in my bikini. I hate doubting my boyfriend every time he calls me beautiful. I know I'm over weight, I know my back is in pain because I don't exercise and stretch. I sit at home all day (because Covid-19 has moved my job to home) bouncing back and forth between hating myself one day and being okay with myself the next.


I need balance in my life. I need true, lasting, change that will build me up mind and body. I finally need to learn a way to give myself self-care that CARES for me mentally and physically without sacrificing one or the other.


I have some ideas where I want this journey to start. And this is a journey that will not have a detailed path and destination, but rather a journey for me to truly learn what MY body and MY mind need.


This post has become much longer than I anticipated and I wrote about things I didn't think I could. But I already feel lighter and refreshed. I plan to use this blog as my public journal. I can be raw and open with myself without feeling shame about anyone else knowing about it. Because there is not shame in my story, there is strength.


Thanks for reading,

K


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